I do believe deeply that it is possible to “convert” a relationship from the vanilla kind to a D/s or M/s relationship, but I think it would be a lot harder to achieve that change as compared to starting out with a D/S relationship. I do consider myself a pretty normal kind of guy and had only vanilla relationships in my past, but the idea of a D/s or M/s relationship always was in the back of my head. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Now that I DO live a D/s relationship with my wife, I know 100% for certain, I will never EVER go vanilla again. Vile posted a VERY GOOD post about this change on his blog “thekinkyworldofvile” that I found today. And I do believe he hits the nail on the head.
There is absolutely no way for a D/s relationship to flourish, if the Master or Dominant does not work very hard to earn the trust and commitment from his slave or submissive. In my own opinion and experience, that is the single most important character trade of a good Master or Dominant. Without that commitment to want to earn that trust and integrity the relationship will not change and this all will be merely a roleplay and stay in the bedroom. Not that this is wrong. I do want everyone to be able to achieve their own relationship bliss. But it is not what I personally need. It gives me so much more strength, respect, freedom, fulfillment and excitement, knowing my slave is there supporting me in every way possible so I can concentrate a lot more on making sure that her needs are met and she gets what she is looking to get out of our relationship as well. A Master is first and foremost responsible for the physical and mental well-being of his slave ALWAYS. In return he gets whatever it is that he needs as well. In Germany you would say “one hand is washing the other”. It’s a constant give and take, much more than in a vanilla relationship.
You get what you put in. In all of my previous vanilla relationships and also in the relationships of most people around me, I see and feel a huge difference there. Almost as if most people are only looking for the WIIFM (what’s in it for me), and if that is not met, the relationship is in trouble or worse, ends. Almost as if no one is willing to put actual work into their relationship. And I think that is extremely sad.
But it’s not only the responsibility for the slave that makes a Dominant a Master, but I also think that some good old chivalry goes a long way and is extremely easy to do. Try it out. Hold the door open for your slave, make sure she is seated before you at the dinner table. That does not mean that it makes you look any weaker in their eyes. But I promise you, you will get a feel of the added admiration from your sub or slave.
In my house, luna starts eating after I take my first bite, but I do cook supper now and then, and I will make sure that she is seated before me, pulling her chair out for her. I think that does show her how much I value her and all she does for me in return. And believe me, she does do A LOT.
This is a task that is not really an easy thing to do, but it can be done. In orders to move into a whole new world there are somethings the Dominant has to do.
The first being a huge change of attitude. The Dominant has to demonstrate he is in full control. The attitude has to change a full 360 degrees. This is more true if the two have problems arguing.
A woman will not submit to a Dominant or any male if he cannot control his temper. Second we do not always have to be right. Although I am not wrong that often I do make mistakes. I think things out before acting and when something goes wrong, I am like what the fuck how did that happen, because I have covered all of the choices and of course the consequences.
Being in full control is the key…
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A Master's Journey 
This is definitely a great post to reblog as it does say a lot to the effort and work it takes for both parties, and how great the rewards! Thank you Vile for a great post, and Thank you Master for the comments as to the work I do – you have always let me know how much you appreciate it and I am grateful. Vile, your point on how the attitude has to change a full 360 degrees is spot on and probably the hardest part for any Dominant to do when changing from vanilla to D/s or M/s. You have to truly feel it, live it, and not fake it.
And you bring up a great additional point Master – Chivalry, or simply being a Gentleman, is definitely a great asset to have as a Dominant. It not only helps to show how much you care and respect me as a person but it also helps to increase the pride I feel at having you as my Husband and Master. I also think it in turn plays on the Dominance and submission. When other women see you open the door for me I’m sure it makes them a little jealous, and it makes me so proud to have you in my life which in turn adds to my admiration and devotion. But it also helps my submissive side in another way. When you open the door for me my submissive mindset see’s it as you giving me permission to enter or leave a building, room, car, etc. When you seat me at a table you are giving me permission to sit. You are even more in control of where I go and what I do on a sort of hidden level (something other’s don’t fully understand or know). I like this.
You are both very right in saying that not many are willing to put in the effort. I, for one, am happy to know I have found someone who is, and happy to know there are others out there who put in the work for each other. That, whether vanilla or D/s or M/s or any other type of relationship, would probably be the most important component in the definition of ‘true love’.
Very true luna. Very true. Thank you for your point of view. That is actually something I haven’t thought of. Great point.
You talk about the WIIFM as if it’s a bad thing.
I know you write as a Master and, from that point of view, I fully agree with what you say.
My natural inclination is to want to serve others, help in one way or another whenever I can. I like to give.
So I read this from the other perspective, closer to the sub or slave one.
And I think it is important to stress that it’s Ok, from that perspective, and this goes in any relationship, to sometimes question what am I really getting out of this relationship.
It’s not helpful, it’s even destructive for any relationship, to be always self-centered. I know that’s what you meant.
But coming out of an abusive relationship, I think it’s also important for everyone to understand that both parties should get something out of the relationship. If you’re answer to WIIFM is consistently ‘nothing’: GET OUT!
As with most things in life, it’s a balancing act. Too much sel-centeredness will kill a relationship, because that’s what a relationship is, an exchange of feelings, emotions, experiences. But not enough will slowly kill *you*.
Sorry for the rant. I hope I didn’t offend you, that you don’t feel like I was out of bounds. It certainly was not my intention to show any disrespect, merely to speak up so that anyone who may be in a situation similar to the one I was in a year ago knows it’s not being selfish to want respect and wonder WIIFM…
And I apologise for the post-length comment.
Also… I am discovering your blog through my phone, hard to move around. But something you said picked my interest… are you German?